A Frugal Future

I am trying to find ways to save money. Lots of money. I have never been a good saver, and I think I might have some money=happiness=worthiness=what the heck am I thinking issues. I am not sure how to deal with the issues, but know that paying a therapist $55 per visit isn't on my priority list right now, so I'm hoping to work the kinks out "on the fly".

We are currently upside down on our home. Yep, so are about 8 bizillion other Americans. Thanks Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, and everyone else who got the millions of dollars in tax payer bailout money. I am a little bitter about it. We didn't refinance and get a handful of money to burn like I watched so many other families do. New cars, vacations, new furniture all stemming from the "funny money" the banks were handing out like candy just a few years ago. I watched many people around me sign up for that new mortgage, since their home was suddenly worth more then...well...more then they thought it was and way more then they paid for it. My husband and I didn't sign up for the funny money plan. We tried to be smart. We supported the Nancy Reagan plan of action and "just said no" to what we looked on to be poor financial planning (ok, I was envious and thought about getting on the band wagon a few times but once we ran the numbers, we knew it just didn't make sense). So we kept struggling to make our house payments as we always had, knowing that in about 26 years it would have all paid off. Ah. Would have. In all of our fiscal responsibility vs. funny money, we really didn't consider the long term effects of all that funny money and how it was changing the market. We didn't know that there was going to be some bailouts in the future that ranged in size from a teaspoon trickle bailing to the whole damn titanic sinking bail out failure. We also didn't know that these kind of things would put our fiscally responsible decisions into the lovely status of being "upside-down". So, we now owe about 3 times what it appears our home is worth. There are multiple homes on more acreage, with better improvements (and less wear and tear) selling for 1/3 to 1/2 the amount we currently owe on our mortgage. We are screwed. We can keep scraping together the house payment every month and maybe, if we are really lucky, it's value will catch up in 10, 15, maybe 20 years. Or we can bail. Not the kind of good bailout that everyone got- I'm talking the we bail out and let our house go. I am scared. This means we will have one year to save as much money as we possibly can before we are without a home. Where will we go? Is this the right thing to do?

I am not emotionally attached to this house, at least I don't think I am. My mind may change when I am living out of a card board box. I have been hoping for change, praying for God to guide us, wanting something different in our lives. Is this it? We have been tied to this house, tied to this mortgage, tied to this little town that I've never wanted to live it. Is this going to be what frees us?

So I have been trying to figure out how to save. Scrimp. Coupons. Turn off lights. Turn down the heat. In short, I think I am slowly becoming my mother. Oddly enough- I am embracing this new role and it is giving me a sense of control that I haven't had before. Perhaps we just trade one psychological crutch for another. I kind of like this cheap second hand duct taped crutch as opposed to the "old" shiny keeping up with the Jones' model. I'm hoping I can peel back some layers of who and how I am and find that the things I have surrounded myself with are much less important then I'd once believed, and that the security I crave comes from my family, my faith, and my newfound frugality.

Another day another dollar?

The moon must be full or gone or whatever happens when everything seems to align to make life difficult. Please tell me that mom's across America were equally impatient and terrible today.
I didn't sleep very well last night, worried about our mortgage (too high), our income (too low), our resolve to fix it (not enough) and my health (which pretty much sucks). Not sure how to get out of this in between place we seem to be stuck in, and I think my frustrations with life carried over into places they shouldn't have. Like frustration with my kids and husband. Day 8 million and 50 of being trapped at home, on medical leave, unable to drive, feeling frustrated. Scheduled for tomorrow day 8 million and 51....pretty much the same.

There must be darkness to appreciate the light.

It's been a long winter. I can barely remember the sunshine and the green grass, and every day seems to blend into a hazy gray snow bank drizzled in dog pee. I am still recovering from surgery, and feeling even more trapped because of it I am sure.
Every day that is above freezing, I open the widows just a crack to feel that wonderful fresh stream of air that smells crisp and clean. I'm sure I'll regret it when we get the natural gas bill, but those few minutes of sanity are worth it.
I am slowly trying to find value in myself again. I have realized that for many years, I have found my value in that little slip of paper with my name and a dollar value on it, yep, my pay check. Since I was a mom and wife first, and an employee second, I wasn't worth much most of the time. But I had my "own" money, I had a little financial freedom, I didn't have to talk to my husband about every penny spent and balancing joint accounts, and I liked it. This surgical recover, this winter of my life, has had so many lessons, and a big one for me is that my value is not determined by my paycheck. My value is in my children's smiles, it is in the dog that curls up at my feet at night no matter how many times I accidentally kick her. My worth is in my husbands lop sided grin when I say something dumb when we are out on our "date night". My value is enumerated each time I smile at a stranger, or put a dollar in the collection jar for the animal shelter. When I hold the door for the elderly man, or help the woman at the grocery store pick up everything that has fallen from her diaper bag, I am infinitely human and eternally valued on a scale that really means something.
My credit score sucks right now. I am not positive what it is, I even went to one of those "free credit report" sites to try and find out, to face my fear, and it said my score wasn't available. Maybe because it is currently lower then dirt, or maybe the site was just having problems, I am opting for the first. I wish it were different, but I'm gonna just have to be ok with it for right now, because I have a medical debt of around $75,000 right now and it's gonna only go up before it goes down. I need to remember that this life is short, and my credit score certainly won't follow me into the afterlife, God forbid I hope it doesn't! But there is something much more important that will. Who am I to the stranger? Who am I to those that have hurt me? Who do I want to become and how will I get there? Those are the things I want to focus on.....I can change my phone number so the bill collectors will have a harder time bothering me for now, but God's got my permanent number, and I need to change the things I can for his purpose so I can find that value I have been seeking. When will I learn to trust Him?