I have found that my faith is strongest, my relationship the closest, when I am walking in darkness. I am a rebellious child who pushes the parent away over and over again, insisting on doing it myself, choosing my own path, until that moment of terror strikes and I realize it is ALL beyond my control, and then I am on my knees holding tightly to my heavenly fathers hand and counting on him to guide me. I am human enough to continue this cycle over and over in my life, but God has sent me an "aha" moment today. You see, he is worried about my eternity, something that is too big for me to contemplate most days. He is worried about the bigger picture that I just cannot wrap my head around because I am too caught up in each stressful little moment. He see's who I was, who I am, and who I need to be, but even better then that, he knows all of the why's behind those past and future choices I made and will make. In his eternal omniscience, he sees that I am on a righteous and faithful path when I am fearful and when I am broken, and being the loving eternal father that he is, he is doing his best to set me on that path by keeping me fearful and broken.
All of the times that I have cried out to him for help, he has granted it a thousand-fold by gently pushing me back down into the abyss of fear, knowing that my eternity hinged on my suffering. I am a foolish child, feeling ignored and chastised while my dear heavenly father was doing exactly what he needed to for me.
My lesson, my "aha" moment? I need to practice being faithful in good times. I need to first thank God for all gifts he has freely given me that I am undeserving of. "Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost;" Titus 3:5 I need him all of the time, not just in the hard times. God embraces me when I am dancing in the rain, laughing with my family, or crying out in pain. He has given me the free will and ability to reject that embrace, or to acknowlegde it in good times and in bad, and he allows me to make mistakes, forgives them, and does whatever it takes to get me on the path to eternity. Sometimes he allows pain, because he knows it is worth every tear. I am blessed to have a father that is willing to let me suffer for the greater good rather then give in to the momentary ease of answering prayers that will bring comfort in the moment and an eternity of pain.
I must walk more cautiously through the garden of my life, and pay more attention to the hand that guides me through the beauty instead of only asking for guidance in the storms.
