Rebellious child

I believe in God. Unfortunately, in all that is good and wonderful, I also question, doubt, and challenge that faith frequently. I do not deny it, but there are days that go by that I forget that my purpose on this planet isn't just to be a wife and mother, but it is also to be a child of God.

I have found that my faith is strongest, my relationship the closest, when I am walking in darkness. I am a rebellious child who pushes the parent away over and over again, insisting on doing it myself, choosing my own path, until that moment of terror strikes and I realize it is ALL beyond my control, and then I am on my knees holding tightly to my heavenly fathers hand and counting on him to guide me. I am human enough to continue this cycle over and over in my life, but God has sent me an "aha" moment today. You see, he is worried about my eternity, something that is too big for me to contemplate most days. He is worried about the bigger picture that I just cannot wrap my head around because I am too caught up in each stressful little moment. He see's who I was, who I am, and who I need to be, but even better then that, he knows all of the why's behind those past and future choices I made and will make. In his eternal omniscience, he sees that I am on a righteous and faithful path when I am fearful and when I am broken, and being the loving eternal father that he is, he is doing his best to set me on that path by keeping me fearful and broken.

All of the times that I have cried out to him for help, he has granted it a thousand-fold by gently pushing me back down into the abyss of fear, knowing that my eternity hinged on my suffering. I am a foolish child, feeling ignored and chastised while my dear heavenly father was doing exactly what he needed to for me.

My lesson, my "aha" moment? I need to practice being faithful in good times. I need to first thank God for all gifts he has freely given me that I am undeserving of. "Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost;" Titus 3:5 I need him all of the time, not just in the hard times. God embraces me when I am dancing in the rain, laughing with my family, or crying out in pain. He has given me the free will and ability to reject that embrace, or to acknowlegde it in good times and in bad, and he allows me to make mistakes, forgives them, and does whatever it takes to get me on the path to eternity. Sometimes he allows pain, because he knows it is worth every tear. I am blessed to have a father that is willing to let me suffer for the greater good rather then give in to the momentary ease of answering prayers that will bring comfort in the moment and an eternity of pain.

I must walk more cautiously through the garden of my life, and pay more attention to the hand that guides me through the beauty instead of only asking for guidance in the storms.

There must be darkness to appreciate the light.

It's been a long winter. I can barely remember the sunshine and the green grass, and every day seems to blend into a hazy gray snow bank drizzled in dog pee. I am still recovering from surgery, and feeling even more trapped because of it I am sure.
Every day that is above freezing, I open the widows just a crack to feel that wonderful fresh stream of air that smells crisp and clean. I'm sure I'll regret it when we get the natural gas bill, but those few minutes of sanity are worth it.
I am slowly trying to find value in myself again. I have realized that for many years, I have found my value in that little slip of paper with my name and a dollar value on it, yep, my pay check. Since I was a mom and wife first, and an employee second, I wasn't worth much most of the time. But I had my "own" money, I had a little financial freedom, I didn't have to talk to my husband about every penny spent and balancing joint accounts, and I liked it. This surgical recover, this winter of my life, has had so many lessons, and a big one for me is that my value is not determined by my paycheck. My value is in my children's smiles, it is in the dog that curls up at my feet at night no matter how many times I accidentally kick her. My worth is in my husbands lop sided grin when I say something dumb when we are out on our "date night". My value is enumerated each time I smile at a stranger, or put a dollar in the collection jar for the animal shelter. When I hold the door for the elderly man, or help the woman at the grocery store pick up everything that has fallen from her diaper bag, I am infinitely human and eternally valued on a scale that really means something.
My credit score sucks right now. I am not positive what it is, I even went to one of those "free credit report" sites to try and find out, to face my fear, and it said my score wasn't available. Maybe because it is currently lower then dirt, or maybe the site was just having problems, I am opting for the first. I wish it were different, but I'm gonna just have to be ok with it for right now, because I have a medical debt of around $75,000 right now and it's gonna only go up before it goes down. I need to remember that this life is short, and my credit score certainly won't follow me into the afterlife, God forbid I hope it doesn't! But there is something much more important that will. Who am I to the stranger? Who am I to those that have hurt me? Who do I want to become and how will I get there? Those are the things I want to focus on.....I can change my phone number so the bill collectors will have a harder time bothering me for now, but God's got my permanent number, and I need to change the things I can for his purpose so I can find that value I have been seeking. When will I learn to trust Him?